What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
