Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Randomize
