I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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