so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
