yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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