____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
