Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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