At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
