yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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