Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
