She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The best revenge is premature balding
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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