someone get that fucking seahorse.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
