Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
