Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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