Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
