walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
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and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
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I fill condoms, not promises.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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