cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
