evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
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THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
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Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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