Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
