i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
