I think im going to throw up on grandma
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
