my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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