Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
