Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
me + whiskey = a bad person
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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