it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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