My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
