Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
