Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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