If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
