Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
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just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
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You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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