he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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