Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
