The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
