I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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