hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
