So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
There's always time for handjobs
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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