Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
