Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
