No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
