Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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