he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
