shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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