I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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