Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
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The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
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Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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