I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
