I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
