True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
