ugly people sure do ruin things
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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