Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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