You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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