I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
