she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
