I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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