I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
