I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
