Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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