so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
